September 15, 2007

Facing my fears...

I just made another purchase on OK, no big deal as I have been shopping on amazon for at least ten years now. But this time was different. I logged on just to by Kris Carr's "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips" book. I know, it should not have been that hard...but it was...sort of. I guess it was the same reaction I had while I was waiting to watch her documentary. Part of me was 100% there, curious to hear her story, hoping to finally see someone I could really relate to. Strangely enough, part of my just wanted to get up and leave the room! I felt edgy, jumpy on my seat. Maybe I was afraid to once again be confronted by the same fears I had slowly buried throughout the years.

But I watched the documentary. And loved it. Every single part of it. And yes, I say myself there many, many times. I saw my family, my friends...Just like a movie. It felt good at the end, but it made me realize that some part of me is still scared. I wonder if this "fear" will ever leave me. It's something unconscious..but every once in a while I notice it's still there.

So despite this fear or because of it, I have now decided that I do want to compile survival stories of cancer patients. I want to learn from them. I want to get to know them. All sorts of cancers, all kinds of stories... I want to build this net so that other people out there who have been or will be diagnosed won't feel alone, like most of us do. I want to encourage them to write their own stories, to master their own destinies.

So back to the beginning of this post. I just bought Kris's book and I can't wait to read it. I bought other books too.. I am starting to imagine what my book (maybe our book?) will look like. It's shaping up. Now I am going to put together some ideas for the interviews so I can get some people thinking... And of course I still need to do lots of research...but I think this book will fill a big void, especially in Brazil.

I remember when I was traveling in England with two doctors from INCA (the Brazilian Cancer Institute) and we were all learning about hospices and cancer treatments and cancer stories... I told them I wanted to do something that could help INCA and the cancer patients in Brazil; I just did not know what. Maybe I am much closer to finding a answer now...

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